Over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about where we are now compared to where we were this time last year. We had two miscarriages under our belt and I was completely done with the whole IVF process. I had contacted an adoption agency to send me more information. I had no more energy in me to even think about doing another transfer. How could God give me a baby twice and then take them away? No one should have to deal with a miscarriage ever but having to deal with one during the holiday season was tough. Putting on a happy face for parties was not easy. On Christmas morning, I debated even getting out of bed. Having to face our families with their children and wanting that so badly and to have it ripped away from me just a week and a half before wasn’t something I wasn’t sure I could spend the whole day staring at. Darren did the best he knew how to be there for me, but I’m not sure if I wanted him to comfort me. I needed to grieve. I needed to be angry and mad that expanding our family just wasn’t in the cards for us.
As the days and months went on, it got easier. Darren and I’s relationship never suffered from infertility or miscarriage. It only got stronger. Our faith and relationship with God got stronger. Darren’s cousin would sing “Press On” on Sunday mornings at church and every time I heard this song, it really stood out to me and brought me to tears. (It still does to this day.)
It’s in the midnight hour/ When you’re hanging by a thread/ And you’ve cried all your tears/ In all the prayers you’ve said/ That’s when Jesus comes a runnin’/ And He takes you by the hand/ Just hold on you can make it/ Press on; morning’s coming, Press on.
I had reached that midnight hour and I just has to trust that morning was coming! God wasn’t forsaking us or forgetting about us. When, if, or how we got pregnant wasn’t up to us, it was up to God. He drew the big picture in our story! I had to give 110% control to God and take a back seat to his plan. Going into FET #2, this was my mind set. Whether this transfer worked or failed, I had to believe and trust it was all in God’s plan for us.
Fast forward to a year later and we are now in the last month of pregnancy! I cannot get over how fast the time has gone by and how much has changed in a year. We have 4 weeks left until little Audrey Grace is here! If you look at our house, you can tell a baby is coming but it still doesn’t feel real.
Darren and I have had so much fun watching this pregnancy progressing, feeling Audrey’s movements and watching her rolls and kicks from the outside, and just preparing our house for Audrey! Darren has become more protective and excited which is making me even more excited to see them interact and watch their daddy/daughter relationship develop.
I thank God multiple times a day for giving me this gift of life growing inside of me. I haven’t met Audrey yet but I am so grateful that God chose me to be her mommy. And I’m pretty sure Darren feels the exact same way. Not only do I thank God for bringing Audrey into our lives, but I give him thanks for giving me the strength to keep going. I thank God daily for putting Darren in my life. He already knew this journey we would be taking on and He put the right person in my life to walk besides me during the good and bad times. I cannot wait to raise this little girl and tell her how God impacted our lives to get her.
Audrey Grace Hill, Mommy and Daddy are ready to meet you whenever you are!!