rpl results & ramblin’

About a week ago, I got the answer (or not) I’ve been waiting for since December. Hoping and praying for answers and I got nothing, nada, zilch, which some people would be happy about but in the world of infertility nothing really makes sense.

On March 16, I went in for my blood work for the repetitive pregnancy loss panel. Four vials of blood later, I left feeling a little nauseous, light-headed, and anxious for my next Starbucks fix! Then, I started the TWW (two week wait). Waiting two weeks for blood work is much easier than waiting for that pregnancy test. Go figure! About a week later, I got a phone call that my second part of my blood work came back and it was all NORMAL. The next day, I got the first part back and NORMAL. I feel silly for wanting to something to be wrong. So as of now, everything is fine and we still have zero answers on why we’ve lost. We can chalk it up to bad luck or it just isn’t our time yet.

We are going forward with a frozen embryo transfer. Darren and I have decided that the date will not be made public. We understand people want to know, but it puts a lot of pressure on us to tell what the results are even though we may not be ready to tell. I can tell you though that it IS happening and we’re as ready as we’ll ever be! Please continue to pray for us. Even though you don’t know the exact day of when it is, the date really isn’t all that important.

All infertility issues aside! I am FINALLY ready to get this house looking like we’ve been moved in for a year and a half! I cannot believe it’s really been that long. Some of our friends are wrapping up their homes and Darren and I went look at the Wells’ home and I couldn’t help but feel like I was slacking! Brittany and Jarrett did an AMAZING job building and decorating. So Brittany has inspired me (and she doesn’t even know it!) to get this house decorated!

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So, I started with the front porch. Yes, my wreaths are hanging on by a thread but new ones are on their way. I DO NOT have a green thumb in my body so I’m giving those spiffy little plants a week or two.

IMG_0649Next, we finally got our desk in our office built and I LOVE IT! Darren has his “mancave” aka shed so I have an idea of this being MY space for crafts and just to have my junk in one area. Isn’t that what a mancave is?? I’m hoping to get a nice antiqued chair and a table for me to do what I need to do on. This room is pretty big so I’m hoping to get some use out of it.

Well, I think that’s enough of me rambling. I’ll leave you with this sweet little furball. She played so hard yesterday and stayed outside all day long. She is having a hard time recovering. AND the fact that she turns THREE tomorrow doesn’t make it any easier for her! DSC_0025

weighed down

First off, I’d just like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for the encouraging words and prayers. I didn’t expect to receive so much wonderful feedback on my first blog post. I’ve started quite a few posts and deleted them because I felt like I was writing for nothing since nothing is actually happening right now. BUT I said this year, I’d be more open with this journey and I’ve already let everyone into our story so I’ll make it short and sweet (maybe?)

After we lost in December, Dr. Webster told me he would run a RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) blood panel on me. This is a series amounts of tests that is going to hopefully give us some answers to why we keep losing. I am hopeful that we get some sort of answers from this test. As human beings, we want answers for everything. We may not like the answer we get, but knowing is a heck of a lot better than not knowing. We have 3 frozen embryos left, so we were going to move forward with a frozen transfer and we’ll plan accordingly to whatever the test results may be. Please pray for us in the upcoming weeks that this test will give us some insight into what is going on.

Taking a break from treatment for the past two, almost three, months has been nice. I’ve just been able to think clearly and really put things into perspective. It’s impossible to think clearly when your injecting yourself with hormones and feeling your ovaries throb every time you walk! Makes you feel like a mad woman! I’ve had a chance to really become at peace with what’s going on. I’m at peace with whatever path God leads us down. To be honest, I was completely done with IVF in December. There was no way I was going to go down that road again. BUT I owe it to Darren to give this 100%. I am not walking this journey alone. This is OUR journey.

I have this huge guard up regarding this next transfer. I guess that’s just a coping mechanism. I’m working on letting my guard down and getting excited like I was for the first transfer. I have to go into this with an open mind and positive attitude! I found the below quote on Pinterest, and I do believe it is quite perfect for me right at this moment.

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coming out…(of the infertility closet)

It’s been 2 years, 7 months, and 13 days or 958 days (but who’s counting) since we’ve been fighting what seems to be a losing battle. It’s been a roller coaster ride to say the least and I’ve never been a fan for those types of things. Majority of people know we struggle with infertility but I don’t think they KNOW our struggle of infertility, so here I am coming out of the infertility closet..

Darren and I got married on June 2, 2012. We knew we wanted to start a family right away. Although, many people turned their nose up to the fact that we wanted to waste zero time expanding our family, it really wasn’t going to change my mind. I always had issues as a teenager with being “regular” so I figured it wouldn’t happen for us that easily. Boy, was I right! When I made the move to live with Darren, it also came with finding new doctors. On my first appointment meeting my new OBGYN, I told him about my past issues as a teen and also explained to him that we were trying. I had been doing the basal body temperatures, charting, and OPK’s (ovulation predictor kits) with no change in anything. He then told me to stop what I was doing and there was something obviously wrong. Most gyn’s will not even speak to you about fertility medicine until you’ve been actively trying for a year, so imagine my excitement when this doctor, who I had just met, was willing to help right away!

He sent Darren in for his first analysis. I will never forget the day I received his results. My sister had just given birth to her 3rd beautiful little boy so I was at the hospital getting my squeezes in! (Yes, I squeeze babies for fun!) The nurse had called me to tell me that Darren’s Kruger level was 1. This is highly abnormal. I was devastated. I knew something was wrong with me, but never in a million years did I think HE had an issue as well. We repeated the analysis; same results. He had a varicocele surgery done hoping that would help; nothing. We had started building a house, and don’t they say to buy something you can’t afford and you’ll get pregnant?? Yeah, didn’t work for us either.

Long story short…

My OBGYN referred us to Dr. Webster in the summer of 2013. We did 2 IUI’s with Clomid, 2 IUI’s with injectables over the period of a year. (That’s not counting the cycle of Clomid with my gyno) Nothing worked!

In March/April 2014, we decided that IVF was our last option. I went in for my retrieval in July 2014 where we got a whopping 29 eggs! We transferred two beautiful little blastocysts back 5 days later. Ten days later, we received the news that I was pregnant!! Sadly, I miscarried two days later.

It was hard, heartbreaking, and did I mention hard? But, I HAD to see the silver lining in it all. I could get pregnant.

November 2014 was our FET (frozen embryo transfer). Much easier and smoother process than the retrieval. Less medication, less injections, less anxiety over injections, and two less ovaries the size of softballs. Two beautiful little blasts were transferred back. Ten days later, we were pregnant! Was I excited? No. I was petrified. Over the weeks, we watched my beta rise like it needed to plus some! Things were looking great! About a two weeks after finding out we were pregnant, we were able to have our first ultrasound. Dr. Webster saw two sacs. One was empty and in the other was this beautiful little blip of a baby! We even saw the flickering of a heartbeat! Even then, I didn’t allow myself to get excited.

One week later is when our world turned upside down. I went in for my weekly scan and there was no heartbeat. No blip of life. Our baby was gone..Never did I think I’d have two miscarriages in six months of each other.

Yesterday, I received news that our baby was a girl and the genetic testing came back inconclusive. Knowing the sex makes it seem even more real than before. I didn’t get to feel the kicks or flutters. Yeah, I had some of the pregnancy symptoms but it never felt REAL. Until yesterday, we lost a sweet baby girl. I can’t help but to think if she would have looked like me or her daddy. Had my sassy attitude or her daddy’s laid-back, easy come, easy go attitude. I cannot wait for the day that we will see her in Heaven.

Our journey is not over. I told myself that 2015 was going to be about US. This disease will not take over our lives.

I am grateful and thankful for our wonderful family and friends who have prayed for us during the hardest time of our lives. Many don’t know what to say, but the simple fact that you thought about us and kept us in your prayers is enough.

We love you!

The Hill’s