coming out…(of the infertility closet)

It’s been 2 years, 7 months, and 13 days or 958 days (but who’s counting) since we’ve been fighting what seems to be a losing battle. It’s been a roller coaster ride to say the least and I’ve never been a fan for those types of things. Majority of people know we struggle with infertility but I don’t think they KNOW our struggle of infertility, so here I am coming out of the infertility closet..

Darren and I got married on June 2, 2012. We knew we wanted to start a family right away. Although, many people turned their nose up to the fact that we wanted to waste zero time expanding our family, it really wasn’t going to change my mind. I always had issues as a teenager with being “regular” so I figured it wouldn’t happen for us that easily. Boy, was I right! When I made the move to live with Darren, it also came with finding new doctors. On my first appointment meeting my new OBGYN, I told him about my past issues as a teen and also explained to him that we were trying. I had been doing the basal body temperatures, charting, and OPK’s (ovulation predictor kits) with no change in anything. He then told me to stop what I was doing and there was something obviously wrong. Most gyn’s will not even speak to you about fertility medicine until you’ve been actively trying for a year, so imagine my excitement when this doctor, who I had just met, was willing to help right away!

He sent Darren in for his first analysis. I will never forget the day I received his results. My sister had just given birth to her 3rd beautiful little boy so I was at the hospital getting my squeezes in! (Yes, I squeeze babies for fun!) The nurse had called me to tell me that Darren’s Kruger level was 1. This is highly abnormal. I was devastated. I knew something was wrong with me, but never in a million years did I think HE had an issue as well. We repeated the analysis; same results. He had a varicocele surgery done hoping that would help; nothing. We had started building a house, and don’t they say to buy something you can’t afford and you’ll get pregnant?? Yeah, didn’t work for us either.

Long story short…

My OBGYN referred us to Dr. Webster in the summer of 2013. We did 2 IUI’s with Clomid, 2 IUI’s with injectables over the period of a year. (That’s not counting the cycle of Clomid with my gyno) Nothing worked!

In March/April 2014, we decided that IVF was our last option. I went in for my retrieval in July 2014 where we got a whopping 29 eggs! We transferred two beautiful little blastocysts back 5 days later. Ten days later, we received the news that I was pregnant!! Sadly, I miscarried two days later.

It was hard, heartbreaking, and did I mention hard? But, I HAD to see the silver lining in it all. I could get pregnant.

November 2014 was our FET (frozen embryo transfer). Much easier and smoother process than the retrieval. Less medication, less injections, less anxiety over injections, and two less ovaries the size of softballs. Two beautiful little blasts were transferred back. Ten days later, we were pregnant! Was I excited? No. I was petrified. Over the weeks, we watched my beta rise like it needed to plus some! Things were looking great! About a two weeks after finding out we were pregnant, we were able to have our first ultrasound. Dr. Webster saw two sacs. One was empty and in the other was this beautiful little blip of a baby! We even saw the flickering of a heartbeat! Even then, I didn’t allow myself to get excited.

One week later is when our world turned upside down. I went in for my weekly scan and there was no heartbeat. No blip of life. Our baby was gone..Never did I think I’d have two miscarriages in six months of each other.

Yesterday, I received news that our baby was a girl and the genetic testing came back inconclusive. Knowing the sex makes it seem even more real than before. I didn’t get to feel the kicks or flutters. Yeah, I had some of the pregnancy symptoms but it never felt REAL. Until yesterday, we lost a sweet baby girl. I can’t help but to think if she would have looked like me or her daddy. Had my sassy attitude or her daddy’s laid-back, easy come, easy go attitude. I cannot wait for the day that we will see her in Heaven.

Our journey is not over. I told myself that 2015 was going to be about US. This disease will not take over our lives.

I am grateful and thankful for our wonderful family and friends who have prayed for us during the hardest time of our lives. Many don’t know what to say, but the simple fact that you thought about us and kept us in your prayers is enough.

We love you!

The Hill’s