Life as we know it..

It’s been the fastest 11 weeks of my life. It’s so cliché when people say, “enjoy them because it flies by” but it truly does. Audrey will be 11 weeks tomorrow and I head back to work then too. I got 12 weeks off for maternity leave but since the little booger decided to come late, I only spent 11 weeks with her. Eleven weeks is not enough time. My heart breaks for moms who have to go back in six.

If I were to say motherhood was easy, I’d be lying.  At times, it’s not fun, it’s exhausting, and it’s downright hard. But it’s worth it. It’s worth every tear I’ve cried and every prayer said. I wouldn’t trade a single sleepless night for anything. This little girl is my world. I’m in absolute awe of her. In the first month of her life, I had a little bit of the “baby blues.” But I mostly cried because of the overwhelming feeling of love I had for this little baby. She’s a miracle from God. She’s an answered prayer. She is so loved.

Audrey sleeps right beside our bed and when I hear her rustling awake every morning, I grab my glasses and greet her with a pretty obnoxious “Good morning!” And the smile she gives me melts my heart. When Darren gets home from work and she hears his voice, she smiles a huge smile just for her daddy. Watching her grow is bittersweet. I want her to stay little forever. But I also cannot wait to watch her grow and to see her little personality develop. I already know she’s a daddy’s girl and has her daddy wrapped around her finger!

Audrey gave us a pretty good scare when she was 3 weeks, almost 4 weeks old. She came down with a cold which turned into RSV and bronchiolitis. She was in the PICU for 3 nights and spent 1 night on the pediatric floor. In the PICU, she was hooked up to an IV, oxygen, and a feeding tube. Watching my newborn struggle to breathe was the most gut-wrenching moment of my life. When the doctors told me they were admitting her, I lost it. I would have done anything to take her place. She made it out unscathed and we are vowing never to make a trip like that again! 

Audrey is now a chunky, happy (for the most part), always hungry 11 weeker. She loves bath time and eating (which is now 6oz every 3 hours). She has the chubbiest cheeks! At bath time, I’ve been keeping an eye on the rolls on her arms and legs. She eats every 3 hours and she is sure to let us know when time is up. Audrey is now sleeping through the night. She’ll go for 10-12 hours stretches!! We do fall into a little sleep regression every now and then but with a little patience, we bounce back into good sleep. She has been boycotting naps during the day. She only sleeps well when she is in someone’s arms. I may or may not have something to do with that rottenness. We’ve recently learned that Audrey likes to be bathed and fed by 8 and she’s just about ready for bed after that. She is not happy if she’s out past her bath time!

 We see this face quite often!

Being a mom is so rewarding. I thank God every day that I didn’t give up. Darren and I are so lucky that God chose us to be her parents. Our hearts are overwhelmed with so much love for her. I know raising her won’t always be easy or fun, but she’s so worth it.  


Our Birth Story

Audrey Grace is finally here! Weighing 7lbs 8oz and 20 inches long. She was born on January 21, 2016 at 5:40 pm. 

 She wasn’t ready to make her appearance but it was time. Mommy was beyond ready. And daddy was just a little ready. Then again, he wasn’t the one that was 40 weeks and 5 days pregnant. 

My body was showing no signs that labor was going to start naturally. I was swollen, hurting, and exhausted so my doctor agreed to induce on January 20 at 5 pm. 

Darren and I arrived at the hospital and got settled into our room. This is where the nerves kicked in and reality set in. We were having a baby the next day! They started me on Cytotec and I was due for two more doses 6 hours apart. The contractions started ramping up after one dose. They were coming 1 1/2-2 minutes apart. Trying to “rest” through labor wasn’t going to happen. I envied my husband who was snoring on what the hospital called a couch. I never received my other two doses of Cytotec. The contractions were coming too close together. My first nurse made the comment about having  a baby by midnight. “Um, what?!”

Needless to say, that did not happen. Come 4 am I was hurting and we didn’t even get the Pitocin party started. I received the epidural and the Pitocin was hung shortly after. I was able to rest before our family arrived to ride out the day with us. Sometime between day break and lunch, I was starting to feel everything on the left side of my body. I was pumping the Epidural pump as much as I could with no relief. I remember telling Brittany, weeks before delivery, that I was scared my epidural wouldn’t work! And here I was, my epidural wasn’t working on one side!  Around noon, things starting progressing rather quickly. I went from 5 cm, to 7 cm, to 10 cm at 2:30 pm. I was exhausted from the pain. The anesthesiologist administered pain medicine four times in my catheter. Nothing was working. I just knew I would feel everything during delivery. The room was cleared out at 2:30 and the pushing game began. Come 5:00, momma was exhausted. I was done. She wasn’t coming and I didn’t know how much more I could do. My body was allowing me to sleep through contractions so I knew I was at the point of pure exhaustion. I told my nurse I had enough. I was more than ready to be wheeled into the operating room. My OB came in and gave me one last pep talk. He would try to get her out with the vacuum and if he couldn’t, he would perform a c-section. 

Just then, a team of nurses swarmed the room prepping everything for baby. This is where things get foggy for me. I don’t know if it was exhaustion or the pain medicine. I remember my doctor telling me to push like I’ve never pushed before and I felt sudden relief. As he held up this tiny human, everything I had just went through no longer mattered. I just became a MOM and she looked every bit like her daddy! The excitement in Darren’s voice as he watched his daughter enter this world is something I’ll always cherish.

 Listening to her cry for the first time was something I never thought I’d hear. Delivery was an experience I never thought I’d get to experience. Every contraction that felt like it would do me in was worth it. There are no words to explain the moment you see your daughter for the first time. The child you have begged God for. The child you cried countless tears over. Such an indescribable feeling. When we left our house that Wednesday afternoon, Darren made the comment, “leaving as a family of two, coming home as a family of three.” We were FINALLY a family of three! What an amazing feeling!

 Now onto my husband. Wow! Darren was amazing during labor and delivery. He never left my side. I had to practically beg him to go get lunch or to just take a walk to get some fresh air. When I was on the verge of giving up, he was there telling me I could do it and pushing me to keep on going. He rubbed my back and talked me through contractions with ease. Seeing him with our daughter for the first time was something I had longed for and it was finally happening. The minute Audrey was born Darren’s life changed forever and this little girl had taken this grown man’s heart and she wasn’t giving it back. 

If I said my recovery was easy, I’d be lying. I didn’t bounce back like most deliveries do but I’m finally feeling like Me again! Audrey is such a blessing in our lives. Darren and I can spend hours on end just looking at her. I can’t believe she is ours to keep. To have this little baby look at us and she knows exactly who we are makes our journey worth it.  Audrey is such a perfect baby. She doesn’t fuss. She loves to cuddle and swing in her swing. When she’s awake, she’s so alert. She calms when her momma or daddy talk to her. She’s finally on a sleeping schedule and we are just thrilled about this! We love her so much! I always tried to think about what it would be like to be a mom, but reality is so much better than what I had conjured up. 

Pressing On


Over the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about where we are now compared to where we were this time last year. We had two miscarriages under our belt and I was completely done with the whole IVF process. I had contacted an adoption agency to send me more information. I had no more energy in me to even think about doing another transfer. How could God give me a baby twice and then take them away? No one should have to deal with a miscarriage ever but having to deal with one during the holiday season was tough. Putting on a happy face for parties was not easy. On Christmas morning, I debated even getting out of bed. Having to face our families with their children and wanting that so badly and to have it ripped away from me just a week and a half before wasn’t something I wasn’t sure I could spend the whole day staring at. Darren did the best he knew how to be there for me, but I’m not sure if I wanted him to comfort me. I needed to grieve. I needed to be angry and mad that expanding our family just wasn’t in the cards for us.

As the days and months went on, it got easier. Darren and I’s relationship never suffered from infertility or miscarriage. It only got stronger. Our faith and relationship with God got stronger. Darren’s cousin would sing “Press On” on Sunday mornings at church and every time I heard this song, it really stood out to me and brought me to tears. (It still does to this day.)

It’s in the midnight hour/ When you’re hanging by a thread/ And you’ve cried all your tears/ In all the prayers you’ve said/ That’s when Jesus comes a runnin’/ And He takes you by the hand/ Just hold on you can make it/ Press on; morning’s coming, Press on.

I had reached that midnight hour and I just has to trust that morning was coming! God wasn’t forsaking us or forgetting about us. When, if, or how we got pregnant wasn’t up to us, it was up to God. He drew the big picture in our story! I had to give 110% control to God and take a back seat to his plan. Going into FET #2, this was my mind set. Whether this transfer worked or failed, I had to believe and trust it was all in God’s plan for us.

Fast forward to a year later and we are now in the last month of pregnancy! I cannot get over how fast the time has gone by and how much has changed in a year. We have 4 weeks left until little Audrey Grace is here! If you look at our house, you can tell a baby is coming but it still doesn’t feel real.

Darren and I have had so much fun watching this pregnancy progressing, feeling Audrey’s movements and watching her rolls and kicks from the outside, and just preparing our house for Audrey! Darren has become more protective and excited which is making me even more excited to see them interact and watch their daddy/daughter relationship develop.

I thank God multiple times a day for giving me this gift of life growing inside of me. I haven’t met Audrey yet but I am so grateful that God chose me to be her mommy. And I’m pretty sure Darren feels the exact same way. Not only do I thank God for bringing Audrey into our lives, but I give him thanks for giving me the strength to keep going. I thank God daily for putting Darren in my life. He already knew this journey we would be taking on and He put the right person in my life to walk besides me during the good and bad times. I cannot wait to raise this little girl and tell her how God impacted our lives to get her.

Audrey Grace Hill, Mommy and Daddy are ready to meet you whenever you are!!




Halfway to Baby

It seems like so much has happened since my last post but it could be I have so much going on in my head. Preparing for a baby is no joke! For the most part, I’ve been stress-free and pretty easy going. This is total opposite of my normal self. So let’s get caught up.

After our reveal party, Darren and I went pick out baby’s nursery furniture. I wanted something very girly and something she can grow with it. I had my heart set on one particular crib I saw, but when I saw this one it was absolutely perfect.  Darren wasn’t much help. He just kept saying, “whatever you want!” Someone already has daddy wrapped!!

Darren and I started talking about names. I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy task with him. I wasn’t sure if he was holding out on a name to drive me nuts or just really wanted to wait. (More on that later)

In the meantime, we attended After Baby Comes class with the Sarah’s Laughter Pregnant After Infertility Group. Our first class was very interesting to say the least. It was very informative and we learned a lot. Second night was the hands-on with baby dolls. I couldn’t imagine doing this pregnancy without these girls! We share the same feelings and anxieties. We’ve created a bond that will last a lifetime!  

  Obviously, I’m on the left having a girl. Next to me is Kim, she’s having a boy due January 9. Mary Claire is having twins, a boy and a girl, due January 20-something. (I cannot for the life of me remember. Sorry MC!) Kasie is having a girl due February 15. Loren is having a boy due January 14. We’re all super close in due dates so we’ll probably be occupying Woman’s Hospital all at once. We’re pretty excited about it!! Our group meets twice a month and it so exciting to sit with these girls and just talk about feelings and nervous thoughts we may be having. We just recently welcomed two new girls to our group! God is so good!! (And hoping to adding even more new momma’s soon!)

I’ve been a busy bee trying to get the nursery decorated. My awesome and talented friend, Brittany, has really been great in taking the reins and helping me. We’ve decided to do mainly white with some accents of pink and a light bluish/teal. I wanted something very girly and something she would want to stay with when she got older. Pieces are being bought little by little. I still feel moments of being overwhelmed but I’m staying calm. Or so I think. 

 Belle has yet to learn that not everything in the house is hers. She has no idea what’s fixing to happen. Guess I should start breaking the news to her. 

A week ago, we had our 20 week scan. I really worked myself up for this ultrasound. During the week, Darren and I had finally picked a name. So, we sort of kept it under wraps until our appointment. Morning of our scan, I was a wreck like always. She did perfect. She cooperated and showed off everything they needed to see. She weighs about 12 ounces. Doctor says she is absolutely perfect! Momma and daddy already knew that.  



Darren and I went back and forth a lot on names. I knew I wanted to name her Parker and he just wasn’t set on it. We made a list of about 11 names and narrowed it down to three. He picked the name Audrey and we tried it on for a while and we both decided that that was that. Audrey Grace Hill!

So, today I am officially 21 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I cannot believe that in 18 weeks, we will finally be holding our miracle that we have prayed so hard for. Just this week, Audrey has really made her presence known. I’ve been feeling her kicks and flips like crazy. I’m really looking forward to the day her daddy can feel them as well. The first half flew by so I’m hoping the second half goes by just as fast. I’m really enjoying pregnancy and it really has been a pretty easy going time. But I really am anxious to have her in my arms. I think all women can understand that.

We have so much going on from now until the end of the year. Darren starts working a turnaround September-October, Maternity pictures in October, one baby shower in November, Thanksgiving, baby shower in December, Christmas parties, Christmas, New Years’ and then Audrey will be here! We are enjoying this time just Darren, Belle, and myself but we are so ready and excited to meet this little girl!


Ruffles or Rifles

Even before ever getting pregnant, I always said I didn’t want to know the gender of the baby. But when I got pregnant, I changed my tune. Darren wanted to know and deep down I knew there was no way I can go to January without knowing. Three years of waiting for this moment, and I needed to know what our baby was! So that brings us to this past Saturday…

I don’t think I slept past 4:45 a.m. Saturday morning. I was excited and hoping baby would cooperate! We did have 50+ people coming to the house that same day to find out what Baby Hill would be.

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Our dear friend/cousin-in-law, Brittany, came with us because I knew Darren or myself would have zero self-control when they handed us the sealed up envelope. The ultrasound itself was AMAZING! Baby was reluctant to cooperate. I did treat her to a Coke on our way. (The only Coke I’ve had since being pregnant for anyone who wants to curse me!) I don’t think the Coke trick worked. Baby didn’t want to show off at first. The ultrasound tech saw the gender, so she switched the machine into HD. Not 3D or 4D. HD!! It was amazing. We stared at the screen in complete awe! You could see baby opening and closing its mouth, rubbing its hands all over its face, and at one point baby even kicked up its foot. It was absolutely beautiful.

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I swear baby looked like a boy! Not only did momma know it was a boy, the ultrasound of the face had me convinced!

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There was a ton left to do before every showed up at the house. Sure, I could have decorated the night before but I didn’t want to jinx it that the baby wouldn’t cooperate. (Weird, I know!) Some little details from our Ruffles or Rifles party.

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We were so blessed to have so many of our friends and family come out and celebrate our miracle baby. The inside of our house was standing room only. It was a great thing that the weather wasn’t too terribly hot outside. The weather was great! Louisiana summers can be brutal!16 17

So, here’s a little back story on how the actual reveal itself was supposed to work. Brittany was going to set up a canvas with a balloon filled with blue or pink paint and Darren was going to shoot it with the BB gun. We even did a trial run on Friday. One balloon even prematurely exploded in my house turning almost everything purple. The second balloon that Darren shot worked perfectly! There was no doubt in my mind that it was going to go off without a hitch. My only question was if Darren could hit it with one shot!


Brittany informed me shortly before the reveal that when she blew the balloon up, she realized it was a purple balloon and you could see the color through it. So, she had to end up spray painting the balloon. FYI, BB guns do not make spray painted balloons splatter! DSC_0663


DSC_0665 IT’S A GIRL!!!

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This day is one I know we’ll never forget! To everyone who helped in anyway to make our party a success, thank you! If you just showed up, thank you!!

Darren and I are over the moon about welcoming this sweet baby girl sent from God in January. I never thought this day would come where we would be finding out the gender of our baby. The road to get to this point was not easy, it was hard, REAL hard! But to see our little girl on that screen moving around made it worth it. We cannot thank everyone enough for praying for us. We cannot wait to be a family of four! (Including Belle!)

it’s happening!

Wow!! That’s the only word that could describe the outpouring of love and well wishes that have been received! Darren and I are so grateful and blessed for every single one of them! I knew I needed to update my blog, but I really wanted to announce our great news and I couldn’t wait until I got back into town on Sunday. So, I decided to spill the beans Friday and give all the details in a blog post. 

In case you missed the Facebook photo, here it is: 

 We. Are. PREGNANT!!!

We just entered our 13th week so that puts Baby Hill here by January 16! Right around the time of our nephew’s birthday, Darren’s birthday, my mom’s birthday, and Darren’s step-brother’s birthday. Oh, and how could I forget. Hunting season! January is gone to be a wild month! Only to be followed by a string of birthdays in February! 

Darren and I transferred two little embryos back on May 1. Three days later, I started feeling a certain backache that I only felt when I was pregnant with a little tiredness. So I ran home and took a test. (It was wayyy to early to test at this point, but I’m impatient and no one was going to convince me other wise.) I got a light, light positive! I tested everyday there on out, sometimes multiple times a day to watch the line get darker. I must have spent $50+ on pregnancy tests! I know I was driving Darren crazy asking him to stare at my pee sticks. On May 11 was my beta draw. For the past two pregnancies my beta has always been horribly low so I was expecting the same this go around. When the nurse called and told me my beta was 475, all I could say was “shut up!” repeatedly. Two days later, I went in for my second beta and it had already skyrocketed to 1,287, which is amazing! (Anyone going through infertility or understand betas will get those numbers, but if you haven’t just know it’s awesome!) Darren and I have been hiding this little secret since May and it has been the hardest kept secret that we kept from everyone. Not even our immediate family knew. 

We have been monitored closely by Dr. Webster. We had a scare at 5 weeks. So that week started our weekly ultrasound trips. By 7 weeks, we had heard and seen the heartbeat multiple times so we felt comfortable to tell our immediate families! By week 8 on, everything was just awesome!  

 8 week

  9 week

  10 week

  11 week

At our 11 week visit, Dr. Webster basically kicked us out of his care. (Not really how it went down but that’s what it felt like!) I cannot praise him and his staff enough. They are the most caring and loving people. It was hard to leave but I’ll be waddling myself up there when I make OB visits.

So Friday we saw my OB. I was super nervous and my anxiety was through the roof. The ultrasound tech was able to put my nerves at ease and talked me through the ultrasound. Baby’s heart rate was in the high 160’s and he/she looks absolutely perfect! The past few ultrasounds we’ve had we’ve noticed that this baby is ACTIVE! Guess I need to sleep all I can now! Now, I’m a regular pregnant woman, no weekly ultrasounds. To be totally honest, that stinks! 

I have to praise my husband! I have been lazy, exhausted, grouchy, and sick and he has only complained, just once. I don’t blame him one bit. But if I were him, I would have lost my cool on myself a long time ago. This is new to both of us. And he has been amazing. When I need to just lay on the couch because I’m tired or just nauseous, he’ll handle everything around the house. If I have a weird Coke icee craving or a cheese fry from G & J’s craving, he gets his keys and we ride. No questions asked. (Oh, now I know what I want for supper!) I truly have the best husband and Baby Hill has the best daddy. Holding our baby for the first time is one thing I cannot wait for. But seeing our baby with it’s daddy is another that’s on the top of my list. Especially if it’s a girl, I know that little girl will turn him to mush. 

To anyone struggling through infertility, keep on pushing through. I never thought this day would come for us. Darren and I have prayed for this moment for as long as I can remember. We prayed fervently. This road of infertility is exhausting, emotional, and painful. But it’s such an rewarding journey in the end. Don’t give up! God knows what he’s doing. Leave it up to Him and believe in Him. 

Darren and I thank you all for the well wishes! We plan to keep you up-to-date on things as we progress.


You Are Not Alone

Today kicks off National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), and the theme they choose for 2015 is You are not alone. I’m definitely loving this theme and I think it is probably one of the most important things while going through the journey of infertility.

Never in a million years did I think I would conceive a baby via IVF. If you would have asked me what the process of IVF was, what were the correct measurements of a mature follicle were, a good thickness of uterine lining, and to go home inject myself in the stomach, I would have looked at you crazy. This is not the path of life I had laid out for myself. I think it would be safe to say this isn’t the path Darren saw his life going down as well. But, this is our reality and we’re embracing it and we’ve accepted it. I have no issues talking about our struggles with infertility. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s nothing to hide. 1 in 8 couples will suffer with infertility. Chances are some one very close to you is suffering and you have no idea.

I have recently decided to come out with our story and allow people inside of our journey because I remember exactly how I felt going through the process. We knew one person in our family that had conceived both of her children through IVF. ONE! I may have known more but didn’t realize it. Infertility is something you don’t just throw out, like “How’s ya momma and them?!” It was tough taking that huge step into IVF. I was bombarded with emotions and thoughts of how we would make it work financially and physically. I remember leaving the doctor’s office after our IVF consult and Darren and I had so many questions. Unknowingly, I called Darren’s cousin (who had conceived through IVF) and Darren had called her husband. They really became a guiding light for us and I’m not sure if they realize how much they helped us through it all. Whether it would be a random text or just asking us how things we’re going. They didn’t ask just to be nice. They really cared about this rollercoaster we were on. Not too long before they had been in our exact shoes. They knew exactly every feeling we felt. They were sad when things didn’t go exactly as planned and celebrated the ups with us. It was truly an awesome feeling to have someone who understood!

It’s around this time last year that my friend, Emily, asked me to attend a Sarah’s Laughter meeting with her. I went not knowing what to expect. My first meeting was okay. I kind of just listened to what Beth and all of the other girls had to say. I found myself going back and really finding friendships with these girls. These girls had seen me and each other sit in Beth’s living room cry and express our frustrations. We have heard each other at some point say things we wouldn’t even tell our best friends. Sometimes while venting frustrations, nothing was said. Nothing needed to be said. hey understood. They got it! These girls were in the same boat as you. They didn’t need to ask, “What makes you feel that way?” because at some point in time they thought they same thing. These girls grieved with you through miscarriages and cycle failures and celebrated what may seem as a little thing in life but in the infertility world, is a huge milestone. It really is an amazing feeling to have such an amazing, strong, Godly group of women by your side. The friendships formed are all ones that will continue after we have all graduated past Sarah’s Laughter!

It really makes me sad to know there may be someone out there going through this alone. Infertility is hard enough as it is, but to do it alone is impossible. If you are struggling with infertility, please reach out to me or find a support group in your area. Having a support system around you is very important. There were times when I felt very much alone. I still have that lonely, nagging feeling sometimes, but I think that’s natural.. I try to brush it aside and think of the positive. I. AM. NOT. ALONE.IMG_0711

rpl results & ramblin’

About a week ago, I got the answer (or not) I’ve been waiting for since December. Hoping and praying for answers and I got nothing, nada, zilch, which some people would be happy about but in the world of infertility nothing really makes sense.

On March 16, I went in for my blood work for the repetitive pregnancy loss panel. Four vials of blood later, I left feeling a little nauseous, light-headed, and anxious for my next Starbucks fix! Then, I started the TWW (two week wait). Waiting two weeks for blood work is much easier than waiting for that pregnancy test. Go figure! About a week later, I got a phone call that my second part of my blood work came back and it was all NORMAL. The next day, I got the first part back and NORMAL. I feel silly for wanting to something to be wrong. So as of now, everything is fine and we still have zero answers on why we’ve lost. We can chalk it up to bad luck or it just isn’t our time yet.

We are going forward with a frozen embryo transfer. Darren and I have decided that the date will not be made public. We understand people want to know, but it puts a lot of pressure on us to tell what the results are even though we may not be ready to tell. I can tell you though that it IS happening and we’re as ready as we’ll ever be! Please continue to pray for us. Even though you don’t know the exact day of when it is, the date really isn’t all that important.

All infertility issues aside! I am FINALLY ready to get this house looking like we’ve been moved in for a year and a half! I cannot believe it’s really been that long. Some of our friends are wrapping up their homes and Darren and I went look at the Wells’ home and I couldn’t help but feel like I was slacking! Brittany and Jarrett did an AMAZING job building and decorating. So Brittany has inspired me (and she doesn’t even know it!) to get this house decorated!


So, I started with the front porch. Yes, my wreaths are hanging on by a thread but new ones are on their way. I DO NOT have a green thumb in my body so I’m giving those spiffy little plants a week or two.

IMG_0649Next, we finally got our desk in our office built and I LOVE IT! Darren has his “mancave” aka shed so I have an idea of this being MY space for crafts and just to have my junk in one area. Isn’t that what a mancave is?? I’m hoping to get a nice antiqued chair and a table for me to do what I need to do on. This room is pretty big so I’m hoping to get some use out of it.

Well, I think that’s enough of me rambling. I’ll leave you with this sweet little furball. She played so hard yesterday and stayed outside all day long. She is having a hard time recovering. AND the fact that she turns THREE tomorrow doesn’t make it any easier for her! DSC_0025

weighed down

First off, I’d just like to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for the encouraging words and prayers. I didn’t expect to receive so much wonderful feedback on my first blog post. I’ve started quite a few posts and deleted them because I felt like I was writing for nothing since nothing is actually happening right now. BUT I said this year, I’d be more open with this journey and I’ve already let everyone into our story so I’ll make it short and sweet (maybe?)

After we lost in December, Dr. Webster told me he would run a RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) blood panel on me. This is a series amounts of tests that is going to hopefully give us some answers to why we keep losing. I am hopeful that we get some sort of answers from this test. As human beings, we want answers for everything. We may not like the answer we get, but knowing is a heck of a lot better than not knowing. We have 3 frozen embryos left, so we were going to move forward with a frozen transfer and we’ll plan accordingly to whatever the test results may be. Please pray for us in the upcoming weeks that this test will give us some insight into what is going on.

Taking a break from treatment for the past two, almost three, months has been nice. I’ve just been able to think clearly and really put things into perspective. It’s impossible to think clearly when your injecting yourself with hormones and feeling your ovaries throb every time you walk! Makes you feel like a mad woman! I’ve had a chance to really become at peace with what’s going on. I’m at peace with whatever path God leads us down. To be honest, I was completely done with IVF in December. There was no way I was going to go down that road again. BUT I owe it to Darren to give this 100%. I am not walking this journey alone. This is OUR journey.

I have this huge guard up regarding this next transfer. I guess that’s just a coping mechanism. I’m working on letting my guard down and getting excited like I was for the first transfer. I have to go into this with an open mind and positive attitude! I found the below quote on Pinterest, and I do believe it is quite perfect for me right at this moment.


coming out…(of the infertility closet)

It’s been 2 years, 7 months, and 13 days or 958 days (but who’s counting) since we’ve been fighting what seems to be a losing battle. It’s been a roller coaster ride to say the least and I’ve never been a fan for those types of things. Majority of people know we struggle with infertility but I don’t think they KNOW our struggle of infertility, so here I am coming out of the infertility closet..

Darren and I got married on June 2, 2012. We knew we wanted to start a family right away. Although, many people turned their nose up to the fact that we wanted to waste zero time expanding our family, it really wasn’t going to change my mind. I always had issues as a teenager with being “regular” so I figured it wouldn’t happen for us that easily. Boy, was I right! When I made the move to live with Darren, it also came with finding new doctors. On my first appointment meeting my new OBGYN, I told him about my past issues as a teen and also explained to him that we were trying. I had been doing the basal body temperatures, charting, and OPK’s (ovulation predictor kits) with no change in anything. He then told me to stop what I was doing and there was something obviously wrong. Most gyn’s will not even speak to you about fertility medicine until you’ve been actively trying for a year, so imagine my excitement when this doctor, who I had just met, was willing to help right away!

He sent Darren in for his first analysis. I will never forget the day I received his results. My sister had just given birth to her 3rd beautiful little boy so I was at the hospital getting my squeezes in! (Yes, I squeeze babies for fun!) The nurse had called me to tell me that Darren’s Kruger level was 1. This is highly abnormal. I was devastated. I knew something was wrong with me, but never in a million years did I think HE had an issue as well. We repeated the analysis; same results. He had a varicocele surgery done hoping that would help; nothing. We had started building a house, and don’t they say to buy something you can’t afford and you’ll get pregnant?? Yeah, didn’t work for us either.

Long story short…

My OBGYN referred us to Dr. Webster in the summer of 2013. We did 2 IUI’s with Clomid, 2 IUI’s with injectables over the period of a year. (That’s not counting the cycle of Clomid with my gyno) Nothing worked!

In March/April 2014, we decided that IVF was our last option. I went in for my retrieval in July 2014 where we got a whopping 29 eggs! We transferred two beautiful little blastocysts back 5 days later. Ten days later, we received the news that I was pregnant!! Sadly, I miscarried two days later.

It was hard, heartbreaking, and did I mention hard? But, I HAD to see the silver lining in it all. I could get pregnant.

November 2014 was our FET (frozen embryo transfer). Much easier and smoother process than the retrieval. Less medication, less injections, less anxiety over injections, and two less ovaries the size of softballs. Two beautiful little blasts were transferred back. Ten days later, we were pregnant! Was I excited? No. I was petrified. Over the weeks, we watched my beta rise like it needed to plus some! Things were looking great! About a two weeks after finding out we were pregnant, we were able to have our first ultrasound. Dr. Webster saw two sacs. One was empty and in the other was this beautiful little blip of a baby! We even saw the flickering of a heartbeat! Even then, I didn’t allow myself to get excited.

One week later is when our world turned upside down. I went in for my weekly scan and there was no heartbeat. No blip of life. Our baby was gone..Never did I think I’d have two miscarriages in six months of each other.

Yesterday, I received news that our baby was a girl and the genetic testing came back inconclusive. Knowing the sex makes it seem even more real than before. I didn’t get to feel the kicks or flutters. Yeah, I had some of the pregnancy symptoms but it never felt REAL. Until yesterday, we lost a sweet baby girl. I can’t help but to think if she would have looked like me or her daddy. Had my sassy attitude or her daddy’s laid-back, easy come, easy go attitude. I cannot wait for the day that we will see her in Heaven.

Our journey is not over. I told myself that 2015 was going to be about US. This disease will not take over our lives.

I am grateful and thankful for our wonderful family and friends who have prayed for us during the hardest time of our lives. Many don’t know what to say, but the simple fact that you thought about us and kept us in your prayers is enough.

We love you!

The Hill’s